The Chinese year of the dog.
Not that I possess any particular interest in dogs-never could stand them-or in china for that matter but we writers say these things don't we?
So yes; it was 1994, the year I graduated from college with that creative writing/journalism degree.
The year my dreams were finally going to get off their asses and happen.
I had it all planned out; start out writing for a local newspaper and uncover a political conspiracy so messy it would shake the whole nation...and God knows the city was filled with more than enough of them. The next step would be the release of my tell-all book about my fearless investigative journalism and how my life was changed forever because I was commited to bringing the people the truth. Then there would come my best-selling thriller.
And yes, I truly believed all this.

It was that belief that made me visualise the whole thing. I could already see it, "yes" I said to myself as I sat in that dark kitchen with a cigarrette in one hand and a coffee mug in another.
I mean, how much more writerly could I get?
It was with that belief that I resolved it was time for me to take a self-imposed exile...all the cool celebrities had done it at one point or the other...and what better time for me to do it than before my fame came right?
And it was with that belief that I packed my lone suitcase and booked a ticket right into the heart of Europe.

And so it was that Lex Dasuke came to be in the city of Milan in the fall of 1994
I lodged in a run-down boarding house and it was everything grungy, gritty and grimy you'd expect from someone in his suffering artist phase. Who knew such places existed in the fashion capital of the world.
As I unpacked my travel buddy in the room atop the boarding house I had lodged in I couldnt help but chuckle at my own stupidity.
"What in the world was I hoping to find here ?"
I wasted no time and in the evening I walked across the road to the pizza place.
I walked in dressed head to toe in black-what writer doesn't have such eccentricities?-and the smell alone convinced me this part of the world was truly the birth place of pizza.

Sitting in the corner waiting for my order, I took in so many different things; the cars sppeding past the windows, the amusing baby who wouldnt stop trying to pull his mothers cheeks as she tried to place an order, the ugly but shapely waitress who brought me my pizza.

I remember thinking how there are so many facets to life, and biting into my pizza when it happened.
If I had to do it again though, foolish as it may be, I wouldnt stop myself from looking up at the clicking of heels towards the counter.
Even if I had wanted to, I strongly doubt I could have restrained myself from being captivated by her scent.

I would later come to know it was her first time in the city as well. What she was doing in this part of town would forever be beyond me.
She was English.
I had a thing for the accent.
"Soul Searching" was the reason I gave her for my being here.
She found it intriguing.
That we would end up in bed drunk together was inevitable.
That the alcohol would make her something to fear was something I would never have guessed.

It seemed like something out of a soap opera the way it was progressing...so cliche...yet I, the nemesis of all that is hackneyed was so spellbound.
And there was only us...I mean there was everyone else in the world but there was really, only us.
There was us, riding in rented vespas in the daytime.
There was her suggesting a threesome with a stranger...and there was me agreeing.
There was us making love...together with a hooker in a dark alley where I didnt have to be worried about the robbers I had come to learn from my years in new york city, were always lurking. Or maybe that was me getting done by two beautiful women.

How and why it was happening I had no idea. I was no more knowledgeable about why I was going along with it but I didnt care. At the very least I'd get a bestseller out of it.

And it only got crazier. More unknown women, more alcohol, even cocaine which I'd somehow managed to avoid through my college years.
Yes it got crazier; that is, of course, until she tried to kill me.

I....Am The Heart....And This Is Me After The World Waz Done Wiv Me.....After I'd Been Damaged And put 2 Shame.....This Is My Story....
Here Is Where We Begin, Crying On The Streets Ov The World IS He, Me Or As Yhu Can Say....I..Where The world Finds Me....

World ; HeY, There little Heart, Cryin On The Street....
Wats The Matter, Feelin Sad?By the Sound Ov Yhur Defeat....

Heart ; Get Away 4rm Me, You Demon..
Thanks 2 Yhu I've Bn Squeezed, like a little yellow lemon....
Sent away By Mind...
Now A Home I Can't Find....

World ; Kay, So Wat!, I've Bn Unfaithful But Still Be Happy!!..
Now Yhur Free 2 Truly Rome, As The Sky Ain't Cloudy...
Y Not Mix Wiv Me, And Maybe I Can Be Yhur Pappy??....
Like A Little Boy, Learning 4rm His True Daddy...

Heart ; My Mind Warned Me About You...
But I Neva Thought It Waz True...
Told Not To trust you Or I'll Be Impure...
Left Feelin Sad And Lonely, Or Beta Yet, Insecure...

World ; By The Same Mind That Left You Alone....
To Cry All By Yourself, In The Dark Without A Phone...
To Call Up The Hospital And Say Your Injury Prone..

Heart ; No!,Truly It Tried To Help Out..
Told ME Bout The Damage And How It Will All Go south...
No Doubt!, I didn't Listen...
Told Him The Mind 2 Go fishing..
Knew Wat I Waz Doing To Find My Own Mrs...

World ; Mrs??..Nobody Wants You...
Play Around And Step Like 1, 2...
So Do Tell Me How Yhur Feeling?lol..Boo Hoo...
Heart ; Now I Lay In My Depression...
Cuz i hurt My whole Body, Wiv All Ov My Aggression...
Now My Mind Is Going Crazy Wivout Giving An Impression...

World ; I Rily Couldn't Care Less Bout How You Rily Feel....
Just Wanted 2 C Yhu Fall, Cuz D Love Yhu give Is Real..
And I Dn't Need That In My Environment...
Unless I'd Be Looking At My Retirenment...
Cuz Out Here It's Sex, Alchohol And Rage....
No Time For Heart Felt Emotions, So Just Turn The Next Page..

Now Thw World Tries To See 2 The Mind......2 It's Needs And Desires...2 Try 2 Destroy It 4rm The Inside...

ON The Inside, I Can C The Feelings Fly..
But Like Always It Crash Lands Wiv No Reasons Why...
Landing In The Sand Wiv No Water In Sight, So Now the Feelings Deserted And Dry...

Walking On A Search, Looking To Quench My Thirst...
But Now I C A Mirage...Hoping To Rest First...
Alas! I Feel The Heat Ov The Sun While I Head West...

The Vultures Swirl, While I Fall...
The Grounds Hard as Brick And It Feels like I Just Hit a Wall..
About To Give Up Hope.....But I Hear A Voice Sayin stand Tall...

So I Hop To My Feet, And Look Round Hoping To Find Her..
Wiv My Heart As The Desert & Love As The Water...
Hope Feel's My Heart Wiv Joy Ov Having A Lover...
But Instead It's All Gone, Woken By The Help He Says"It Waz Just A Dream Sir"...

This Is Me...Still In Pain...
So Take Hit A Watch As I Pull A Vain..
Can't Hide The Fear Ov Loosing To A Little Fame...

I Watched As They Lived Their Live's...
So I kept My Head Down, Looking Busy As Dem Hive's...
Hoping They Don't Spot The Change Until Deeath Arrive's....

No More Bad Lies, Just Silence In The Crowd...
That Way I Speak The Truth Wivout Talking Aloud..
But Trying To Be A Good Friend, Trying To Keep To Wat I Vowed...

Trying To Stay Outta Trouble, Trying Not To Pick A Bone...
Cuz My Eye'z R Opened And I See That I'm Alone...
So They Think I'm Hopless, Just Disaster Prone..

I Guess I Should Go, Tired & I'm Getting Pale...
Trying To Keep My Head Up, Trying Not To Fail...
But It's Time To Give Up, Now I'm Looking 4 A Planet 4 Sale...

Now where do i begin when my hearts in pain..
Try to be a Good guy but my works in vain...
Nomatter how hard i go, people still don't get...
My reason 4 helpin dem, iz not to get my own jet..
Or live in a big house commandin my own maid..
Get flashy cars wiv rims dat cost around 90k..

My anger rises up lik yeast meets d flour..
So i'm only makin big mess ups, by d hour..
I try 2 correct dem but people 4get dat i'm human..
Maybe i'll just cut and bleed, to remind dem dat i'm man..
I'm sorry i'm not perfect rily wanted to be..
But i can't go bak so now i'm just anova fish in d sea..

Being divided by 2 roads...
Not even knowing where dey go...
But i move blindly 4 luv, hoping to score a goal...
But i missed, so it's deflected, d crowd screams NO GOAL!..
Hopin to get another try to correct my mistake..
Whistle blows!, too late, ders no time 4 a retake..

I need her 2 understnd dat i'm tryin..
But she c's me as d rest so i'm just lyin..
Givin all my luv but her heart rejects it..
So now my hearts broken and in d process ov mendin..

They say d truth iz rily ugly, but tell me how that is...
When it's rily you in a mirror, the wound neva heals...
No lies cause there's no one to lie to...
Happy in the crowd cuz ders no1 to cry to...

There's no way to back out cuz ders no marked exits..
No more thoughts on his mind so he waits..
But this iz lik..murder!, murder!..cuz dats wat dey all told..
They say, give him time and i bet he's gone fold..
Pretend to care and maybe he wouldn't fear..
And speak in hush tones so he truly wouldn't hear...

Friends not by will but through blood and my relations..
Tired ov d lies, different voices, different tones...
No more white lies, bringing out the black shade..
Starting afresh so my fake friends gotta fade...
Wouldn't know me if not 4 A5, a member ov d group but the one dats always behind..
Trying to 4get a memory a minuite, been through it all..so i definatly wouldn't rewind...

Going through some tough times but close yours eyes and trust me...
Take you to the moon and bring back a star but none as perfect as you and me...
Waz what i thought till u pulled me back to earth and i had to crash land..
Still healin 4rm d injuries, so just leave and lemme go back to my demand..

So take my heart and make it as cold ice....
Then give it bak and make sure i'm as bad as mike...
tyson, jackson, doesn't matter..as long as i'm fly as jordan..
Then the emotions in me can pass on and be buried in d waters ov jordan..
No reason not to change...So i focus on change...
And make sure nothing stands in my way till i let go ov all my rage...

somn old..

The tears were a flood;historic to say the least
An abyss for a heart;what else could explain the blackness?
An outcry is made
No answer received
Surrounded by the rain;not touched by it
Curses are declared
With the strength of toil
The horrors of being a human sacrifice;buried alive
The hope;so far away it seems
Existence as but a rotted carcass of pain
Engulfed by the darkness;a malignant tumor
The bleakest of all pictures
As unsettling as the waves of the oceans
But then the deepest secrets hide behind still waters

We can never tell the pain another feels
Only the arrogant would assume they know more about another than the person themself.
Yes this is a very unnecessary addendum...but u know I'm right.